A Place For Everything And Everything In Its Place

•May 4, 2012 • 2 Comments

We vampires are a pretty free spirited bunch. We’ll do most anything any time of night or day night.

However, I’m a stickler for getting the basics right. Nice clean puncture wounds on the neck, or a really good gash across the jugular. I hate to see multiple puncture wounds – it looks hesitant and conflicted – like we feel we shouldn’t be biting people, draining their life blood and leaving them dead in shallow graves.

Whatever else you do, drain all the blood, don’t leave any. It’s wasteful. And NEVER put any of your own blood back. We’ve all been there. A few days later someone covered in mud turns up seeks you out and asks your advice. “You made me,” they say. As if it’s my fault.

So, do it right. Drink your fill. Pop them in a shallow grave. If there is any risk you’ve got something wrong, cover your back and bury them with a really bloody heavy rock on their head.

Otherwise:

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Missing

•April 3, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Where have I been?

Did you miss me?

The answer in just three words: Angry Birds Space.

Us vampires are just a tiny bit OCD and I couldn’t possibly hop out of my coffin until I’d completed the whole thing. I even ran out of cigarettes.

Now if someone has left a pile of rice on the pavement between my crypt and the tobacconist I am going to be so cross.

Cineál Maidir,
Aoibhe

Customer Focused

•July 26, 2011 • 1 Comment

Apparently mortals have been complaining of poor service from us vampires. Common complaints are:

1. Not nearly scary enough
2. Lacking style
3. Uneven bite marks
4. Angst
5. Glittering in sunlight
6. If male not looking as sexy as David Boreanaz
7. If female not looking as hot as Kate Beckinsale

The BVA (British Vampiric Association) has requested we no longer refer to mortals as Victims but rather as Customers.

Those whom we turn by mistake should now be known as First Class Customers.

They seem to have rejected my suggestion that Priests be known as Yummy Snacks.

They did also insist Shallow Graves will henceforth be known as Sample Burials.

I would like to add that should any of my Customers compare me unfavourably to Kate Beckinsale I will give the ungrateful git a Sample Burial head first.

My Favourite Things

•July 9, 2011 • 1 Comment

Thorns on roses and the cold of the stones
Tender warm necks and mouldering bones
Damp dark crypts bolted shut with chains
These are a few of my favourite thangs

Cream coloured flesh and crisp crunchy carotids
Iron rich blood, both flowing and clotted
Bats with soft fuzzy ears and moon behind their wings
These are a few of my favourite things

Slim, pale women in black evening dresses
Local policemen who are clean out of guesses
Grey misty Autumns and gothic rings
These are a few of my favourite things

When the werewolf bites
When the slayer stakes
When I’m feeling blood lust
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I feel MAD and BAD.

[Repeat all verses]

Letter to the Council

•July 3, 2011 • 1 Comment

Dear Mrs Beauchamp,

I am writing to you as leader of the Highbridge council. I have been a resident of the Highbridge cemetery for a century many years and there are a number of things that have been affecting my calm demeanour of late.

Firstly, is it really necessary to mow around the graves, monuments & crypts quite so often, take so long when doing so and provide the gardener with a mower that sounds like a bag of bolts? I work hard all night and when I finally get to lie in my coffin, I expect to sleep like the dead. The mower keeps me awake. I am becoming grouchy and unpleasant.

Being very modern in my outlook, despite my 274 years, I would like power and broadband to be laid on to my crypt. I have, as I mentioned earlier, been a resident for many years and during that time scant little maintenance has been done on my premises.

I also must protest over the closure of the blood bank at the Highbridge hospital. This is an essential facility for the residents of Highbridge and does the best drink-from-a-bag fast food anywhere.

Finally, please stop digging and leaving open graves directly outside my crypt. I stepped out about midnight last night and disappeared six foot down a hole. This did not show the level of cool you have a right to expect from a vampire.

Yours sincerely,

Aoibhe O’Sunlight

Angst

•July 1, 2011 • 1 Comment

Hi mortals,

I take objection with the way vampires are portrayed in films and in books. The writers would like to see us as full of angst and guilt, or psychopaths.

Do I feel angst ridden? No, I’ve never had a starring role in Twilight. And I’m quite sure I’m not Angel. *looks in mirror, realises it’s pointless and shakes head*

Do I feel guilty? For what? A midnight snack or two?

Am I an emotionless psychopath? Of course not. I laugh when I bite. I enjoy a good rapport with my victims up until the very last. Ok, I admit that isn’t a very long time but I try, I really do.

Ah, say you, but you go to confession, don’t you? Yes, I do, even if it does take a really long time to confess all the things I’ve been up to. I’m a good Irish catholic girl and I love priests. They’re fun to tease and taste smashing.

Stay fresh and keep your necks clean,
Aoibhe

21st Century Girl

•June 27, 2011 • 1 Comment

Sorry, that’ll be vampire. I’m Aoibhe. This is my blog. Please comment and leave seven pints of your blood below.